While the iPhone App Store does not sell any porn, it is still a good source of mild titillation if you need some additional stamina during rampant periods of copulation. Hooters Calendar Girls Crazy Eights has to be a favourite iPhone app for all red-blooded men who have ever stepped foot into one of America’s finest eating establishments.

While the Hooters app mascarades as a card game, there are no such shenanigans from iBikini TV which is just packed full of girls in bikinis, with a fresh batch uploaded every day. Sexy Hotties Slideshow is similarly blessed with simplicity – you get a good solid selection of attractive flesh that will give you just the boost you’ll need.

Of course, if romance is more your thing, then you can always just use your iPhone as a nice source of romantic lighting by using the Flametastic app that I’ve mentioned previously.

Before you take the plunge and decide to have unprotected sex with a fertile young lady with firm buttocks and breasts, you should really turn to your iPhone for advice and support. The App Store is full of tools that can track your partner’s periods (and this can be useful for other reasons, don’t forget) which is essential for discovering the best days to sow your seed. So where to begin?

Well you can start by disregarding any applications that have horrendous names, such as PeriodicRED, for example. You should also reject any paid-for apps, such as the £3.99 FemCal. Finally, you should spare yourself the queasiness by ignoring any application that goes into unnecessary details of flow rates and spotting days, such as Period Tracker.

My fertility calendar of choice is therefore the Free Menstrual Calendar that has a reasonable name, costs nothing, and doesn’t mention any kind of slow/medium/heavy/gushing flow scale. Furthermore, it even has the option to record ‘intimate relations’ which I find really quite amusing.

I’ve often said that you can never have enough torches. They are just the coolest gadget to have and there are so many possibilities – the brightest, the smallest, the green powered, the multi-function, the military-style . . . I’m arousing myself just writing about them. Kids always love torches too as they’re great for camping, exploration games, and self-blinding.

So what would I recommend as a great Dadget torch? My current pick of the crop is the LED Lenser P7 which is one of the brightest pocket torches available and feels like a stick of pure sex when you hold it in your hand. It has a great retractable lens system that gives either a broad beam of medium brightness or a very narrow beam of high brightness. A switch button on the base flicks between different power modes, the highest of which will really impress you on a dark night in a field full of cows.

At just under £50 this is a luxury torch, no question, but you can’t put a price on such high quality and the dazzled expression on a sleeping cow.