Having your wife under the weather can be quite a chore, especially if you have to look after the kids as well. Fetch me this, go get me that, wipe my nose, scratch my feet – it can all get a little tiring. However, the wise Dadget-lovers amongst you will sense a fantabulous Dadget purchasing opportunity.

A sick wife is a helpless wife, and any temporary illness is a perfect time to ask approval for the Dadget that would ordinarily be out of your reach. I especially recommend selecting the ‘drowsy’ variant of any medication so that she’ll be even more amenable to your request.

BONUS TIP: Pregnancy is the golden period for Dadget authorisation as you’ll have 9 months of weakness and vulnerability.

“Here’s another Lemsip, darling.”

“I love you so much. You’re taking such wonderful care of me, and our baby boy. I’m so pathetic when I’m ill.”

“Don’t be silly. I’m just happy that I can be here to help…and I’m also happy that you’ll be at home all day tomorrow for my package. Our new HD camcorder is due to be delivered.”

“Oh, you ordered one of those? Well, you deserve it after everything you’ve been doing for us both. You should get yourself that new military torch you’ve been wanting, too.”

“Even with a string of snot hanging from your delicate nose, you are still the most beautiful flower in the whole wide world.”

There’s nothing more boring than a moaning woman in labour, but what if you could play on your iPhone throughout the whole ordeal without any recriminations whatsoever? Step forward the contraction timer app.

I’ve been able to find 17 applications that are specifically designed to monitor the duration and frequency of your wife’s screaming while she is making a right meal of childbirth:

• Baby’s Coming (free) – Dadgets.info top choice
• Contraculate (free)
• Contractulator (free)
• TapTimer Lite (free)
• Contractions (59p)
• Contraction Master (59p)
• Contraction Timer & Fetal Kick Counter (59p)
• iContraction (59p)
• iPreg (Pregnancy iTool) (59p)
• Labor Mate (59p)
• NineMonths – Contractions & Movements (59p)
• Birth Buddy (£1.19)
• Contractions Alert – Baby Boy (£1.19)
• Contraction Tracker (£1.19)
• iStork (£1.19)
• Baby Time – Pregnancy Contraction Timer (£2.39)
• Expecting (£2.99)

So which one would I recommend? Well, my choice of contraction timer has got to be the completely free Baby’s Coming. Its first killer feature is that it keeps timing, even when you exit the app or shut down the phone. This means that you can pretend to be studying statistics of contraction frequency and duration, when in fact you’re just passing time with a bit of Super Monkey Ball. Not all contraction timer apps have this feature, so be sure to check up first.

Secondly, Baby’s Coming just has a lovely, clean, simple interface. There are no fancy pink backgrounds or cutesy images of babies – it’s a simple, honest, timing application that a man can use with pride.  I also love the ability to view average duration and frequency (over the last 5 contractions) right there on the one simple main screen. You can also look back at the history of contractions to pinpoint the exact precise moment that you were called a *&^*%$ ^&*$*%. This evidence could be priceless when trying to seek authorisation for future Dadget purchases.

Congratulations! You made it through the gruelling ordeal of intercourse with your wife, and your sperm swam valiantly onwards to victory. Now you’re ready to move on to the next phase of iPhone apps.

The only pregnancy application you’ll ever need is iPregnancy. This app will follow progress towards your due date, display representative 3D images of your baby as it grows, and provide you with many facts and figures on its development. It can also remind you of upcoming midwife appointments and even allow you to keep a list of favourite names, which can be selected from a built-in database of popular choices.

As you approach fatherhood you’ll also need to keep a tighter rein on your finances, so I recommend using iXpenseit to track your incomings and outgoings. New entries can be entered with a few taps, and impressive looking graphs and charts show you exactly how broke you really are.

Finally, as you approach fatherhood you’ll be needing to use the eBay iPhone app to keep track of your house clearance. As well as selling your old tat to make room for ‘baby stuff’, now is also a great time to sell off your old porn collection.