Before you had a child, a cosy little beach shelter would have been just the thing for a bit of summer nookie with your mistress. But now you’re a father, and your mistress has left you for a man without vomit on his clothing, you’ll be needing a beach shelter to house your gorgeous wife and child on those hot summer days.

Beach Shelta Family UV Beach Tent (£53.99 from Travelling With Children)

Shelta are an Aussie company and should therefore know a thing or two about sun protection. Their UV Beach Tent is self-erecting (snigger, snigger) and takes only seconds to construct. It has sand pockets to keep it firmly rooted to the beach, and also comes with a handy groundsheet so you don’t need to lay towels inside. Unfortunately it costs quite a bit of wonga - much too much when you consider what else is on the market.

Nivea Family Cabana Sun Tent (£39.95 from Jacksons Camping)

A little more reasonably priced is the Family Cabana Sun Tent from Nivea, who are better known for producing sun cream than sun shelters. Their sun-tent is also ‘pop-up’ which means that it will be erect quicker than a teenager in a brothel. Sadly, it doesn’t have an integrated ground sheet so you’ll have to use towels to avoid your little boy getting sandy balls while he crawls around the tent.

Coleman Sundome (£14.99 from Amazon.co.uk)

Can the winner of my sun shelter buying guide really cost only £15? Yes siree Bob! The Coleman Sundome really is a top-notch beach shelter for very little moola. It has the all-important sand pockets for stability, and impressively it has a huge groundsheet that extends far beyond the tent. This provides a really sizeable area to frolic around in, and has the added feature that it can fully zip up to close the dome while you are changing, or perhaps to hide your huge Dadget collection while you’re out at sea. The only downside is that it is not self-erecting – like a married man, it will require a few minutes of careful attention before it is fully erect.

Henry and I have bought a Coleman Sundome and we’ll give you our full review very soon! (Full review now here)

Now that the games have gone down a treat it’s time for the ceremonial bringing in of the cake, complete with candles. But what if you used your last match to mask the stench of the horrendously smelly poo you had just before your guests arrived?

Step up the iPhone, which has a million and one candle applications to give you that hi-tech virtual glow. Birthday Blow Out (£1.19) provides you with a tasty-looking cake covered in candles. What’s more, you can blow into the iPhone’s microphone and see the candle flames flicker. If your kid blows hard enough then the candles will go out, and your iPhone will be drenched in spit.

For more kid-friendly iPhone fire gadgets you can also try Flametastic (59p). Here you can display flames from a candle, match, gas source or blow torch. It’s a very safe way to provide gentle light at your child’s bedside, and you can also use it while you make sweet love to your wife/mistress. Bonus.