With a new arrival in your house, time with your iPhone will become ever more precious. Therefore you really need a new app that will fully legitimise your iPhone usage over the coming months, even when there are bottles to feed and bottoms to wipe.

The most useful iPhone application you can own after your child is born is one that you can use to track your child’s 3 main activities – drinking, sleeping and filling nappies. It is important to monitor these functions carefully as your newborn develops, and the iPhone provides an elegant and useful alternative to paper and pen.

My top two picks are Baby Geek (59p) and Baby Brain (£2.99).

Baby Geek (59p) is a great value application that is simple to use and has some really great timeline graphs to analyse feeding/sleeping/changing patterns. As well as the standard activity recording and tracking of which boob was used last, you can also record other events such as trimming nails or eating a meal. There is also the very useful ability to record and graph your baby’s height and weight. Coming in the next version will be the ability to synchronise data between two devices – this should be a great feature when both parents have iPhones/iPod Touches. My only gripes about Baby Geek are that events entered out of order mess-up the ability to display graphs until you go in and re-sort them (why isn’t that done automatically?), and the interface is a little sluggish at times. But otherwise it is keenly priced, performs well, and the author provides top notch support to any queries.

Baby Brain (£2.99) is at the higher price end of the market and actually does less than Baby Geek. However, the interface is simple and uncluttered, the app is ultra intuitive to use, and it also runs as quick and as smooth as baby diarrhoea. Again you can record sleeping, feeding and nappy changing, but this time there are no extra events, no fancy graphs, and not even the ability to record meals. This limits the use as a complete feeding diary to whenever you begin weaning your baby, which I feel is something that needs to be addressed in a future update. However, the basic functions of Baby Brain work extremely well and there is even a lovely icon of a pair of breasts that will never fail to amuse. If the authors could add a few graphing options, add meals to the logger, and also add the ability to synchronise between different devices, then Baby Brain would truly be the ultimate logging tool.

The following is a list of every single baby logging app available. You should note that to be eligible for my list an app had to cover all 3 activities (drinking, sleeping, changing), not be a ‘lite’ version with limitations, and it had to be available in the UK app store.

• Baby Geek (59p) – Dadgets.info top choice
• Baby Watch (59p)
• KiddyBase (£1.19)
• Nimble Baby (£1.19)
• Baby Activity Logger (£1.79)
• Baby Super Tracker (£1.79)
• Baby Time (£2.39)
• Baby Brain (£2.99) – Dadgets.info top choice
• Baby Daily Log (£2.99)
• Baby Log (£2.99)
• Baby Timer (£2.99)
• Total Baby (£2.99)
• TurtleTOUCH Infant Log – HOME (£11.99)

There’s nothing more boring than a moaning woman in labour, but what if you could play on your iPhone throughout the whole ordeal without any recriminations whatsoever? Step forward the contraction timer app.

I’ve been able to find 17 applications that are specifically designed to monitor the duration and frequency of your wife’s screaming while she is making a right meal of childbirth:

• Baby’s Coming (free) – Dadgets.info top choice
• Contraculate (free)
• Contractulator (free)
• TapTimer Lite (free)
• Contractions (59p)
• Contraction Master (59p)
• Contraction Timer & Fetal Kick Counter (59p)
• iContraction (59p)
• iPreg (Pregnancy iTool) (59p)
• Labor Mate (59p)
• NineMonths – Contractions & Movements (59p)
• Birth Buddy (£1.19)
• Contractions Alert – Baby Boy (£1.19)
• Contraction Tracker (£1.19)
• iStork (£1.19)
• Baby Time – Pregnancy Contraction Timer (£2.39)
• Expecting (£2.99)

So which one would I recommend? Well, my choice of contraction timer has got to be the completely free Baby’s Coming. Its first killer feature is that it keeps timing, even when you exit the app or shut down the phone. This means that you can pretend to be studying statistics of contraction frequency and duration, when in fact you’re just passing time with a bit of Super Monkey Ball. Not all contraction timer apps have this feature, so be sure to check up first.

Secondly, Baby’s Coming just has a lovely, clean, simple interface. There are no fancy pink backgrounds or cutesy images of babies – it’s a simple, honest, timing application that a man can use with pride.  I also love the ability to view average duration and frequency (over the last 5 contractions) right there on the one simple main screen. You can also look back at the history of contractions to pinpoint the exact precise moment that you were called a *&^*%$ ^&*$*%. This evidence could be priceless when trying to seek authorisation for future Dadget purchases.

Congratulations! You made it through the gruelling ordeal of intercourse with your wife, and your sperm swam valiantly onwards to victory. Now you’re ready to move on to the next phase of iPhone apps.

The only pregnancy application you’ll ever need is iPregnancy. This app will follow progress towards your due date, display representative 3D images of your baby as it grows, and provide you with many facts and figures on its development. It can also remind you of upcoming midwife appointments and even allow you to keep a list of favourite names, which can be selected from a built-in database of popular choices.

As you approach fatherhood you’ll also need to keep a tighter rein on your finances, so I recommend using iXpenseit to track your incomings and outgoings. New entries can be entered with a few taps, and impressive looking graphs and charts show you exactly how broke you really are.

Finally, as you approach fatherhood you’ll be needing to use the eBay iPhone app to keep track of your house clearance. As well as selling your old tat to make room for ‘baby stuff’, now is also a great time to sell off your old porn collection.

While the iPhone App Store does not sell any porn, it is still a good source of mild titillation if you need some additional stamina during rampant periods of copulation. Hooters Calendar Girls Crazy Eights has to be a favourite iPhone app for all red-blooded men who have ever stepped foot into one of America’s finest eating establishments.

While the Hooters app mascarades as a card game, there are no such shenanigans from iBikini TV which is just packed full of girls in bikinis, with a fresh batch uploaded every day. Sexy Hotties Slideshow is similarly blessed with simplicity – you get a good solid selection of attractive flesh that will give you just the boost you’ll need.

Of course, if romance is more your thing, then you can always just use your iPhone as a nice source of romantic lighting by using the Flametastic app that I’ve mentioned previously.

Before you take the plunge and decide to have unprotected sex with a fertile young lady with firm buttocks and breasts, you should really turn to your iPhone for advice and support. The App Store is full of tools that can track your partner’s periods (and this can be useful for other reasons, don’t forget) which is essential for discovering the best days to sow your seed. So where to begin?

Well you can start by disregarding any applications that have horrendous names, such as PeriodicRED, for example. You should also reject any paid-for apps, such as the £3.99 FemCal. Finally, you should spare yourself the queasiness by ignoring any application that goes into unnecessary details of flow rates and spotting days, such as Period Tracker.

My fertility calendar of choice is therefore the Free Menstrual Calendar that has a reasonable name, costs nothing, and doesn’t mention any kind of slow/medium/heavy/gushing flow scale. Furthermore, it even has the option to record ‘intimate relations’ which I find really quite amusing.

Way back when I educated you about the Slingbox and how it was a boon for kids to watch their favourite TV when away from home (and for Daddy to watch Sky Sports when away on business). I was most excited to see an iPhone application for the Slingbox that finally gave me the opportunity to watch Sky Sports Super Sunday whilst sat outside the women’s changing room at Next or the feeding room at Mothercare.

Imagine my dismay, then, when not only did the iPhone application recently appear at the extortionate price of £17.99, but it also only works on Wi-Fi and not 3G! So when I am at home with full access to my large screen TV, I can use my home Wi-Fi connection to stream TV to my little iPhone screen. However, when I am out at the weekend shopping for women’s clothes and Henry’s anal cream the iPhone app is no good to me whatsoever! Shame on SlingMedia for allowing Apple and/or the mobile networks to render their application completely useless.

No, no, no – not her bicycle, her menstrual cycle! For generations men have been suffering at the vicious hands of our lady-folk’s egg-dropping routine, but now it’s time to fight back and earn some Dadgets for our centuries of hardship.

The key to this tip is knowing your wife’s cycle, so I suggest investing in a pocket calendar or some clever iPhone application (search the app store for something like “How can I track when my wife is going to turn into a crazed lunatic each month”). Armed with this information, you’ll know the best time to bite.

Now you might expect my next piece of advice to be based on asking for Dadget-purchase authority when she is not in her monthly mood. In fact, I encourage you to do exactly the opposite. Whip out that huge list of elaborate and expensive Dadgets that you know she’ll never approve, and ask her at the worst possible time of the month. Not only will she say ‘No’ to each and every one of your suggestions, but she’ll also singe your eyebrows with the flames coming from her mouth.

Now to the real beauty of the plan. Later in the month, when she’s over the she-devil phase, ask her to sign off on a more realistic Dadget. Any initial reluctance can be overcome by the body of evidence that she flat-refused 20 other purchases you proposed only last week, and ended up pinning you against the wall with a meat cleaver during the discussion. Guilt will ensue, and approval will follow.

“Darling, muffin-pie – do you mind me buying a Nintendo Wii? Henry would love it!”

“No.  He’s only 10 months old, don’t be so ridiculous.”

“But only last week you refused to buy Henry that battery-powered Jeep convertible and the video wall for his bedroom. Don’t you remember how you swore at me so viciously while you were saying ‘no’?”

“I…er…well, I suppose a Wii would be OK. I’m sorry for being such a grump. And pick up a new torch for the car while you’re shopping, darling.”

“Your kindness reflects glowingly in the font of your beauty.”

Our Y-Cam Knight continues to impress (read my full review here). Here’s a screen grab from my iPhone from a few weeks ago, showing our cheeky little boy in all of his glory.

Sadly, Henry is now able to climb up the sides of his cot, so the Y-Cam has had to beat a hasty retreat to the top of his wardrobe. Rather than these great close-ups we now have a wide angle view of his bedroom, and we have to be content with seeing his little body wriggling through the bars of his cot. Time for Y-Cam to provide a version with a decent zoom lens?

Now that the games have gone down a treat it’s time for the ceremonial bringing in of the cake, complete with candles. But what if you used your last match to mask the stench of the horrendously smelly poo you had just before your guests arrived?

Step up the iPhone, which has a million and one candle applications to give you that hi-tech virtual glow. Birthday Blow Out (£1.19) provides you with a tasty-looking cake covered in candles. What’s more, you can blow into the iPhone’s microphone and see the candle flames flicker. If your kid blows hard enough then the candles will go out, and your iPhone will be drenched in spit.

For more kid-friendly iPhone fire gadgets you can also try Flametastic (59p). Here you can display flames from a candle, match, gas source or blow torch. It’s a very safe way to provide gentle light at your child’s bedside, and you can also use it while you make sweet love to your wife/mistress. Bonus.

So you’ve had success with your electronic invites and now your house is full of screaming children vomiting peanut butter sandwiches into your DVD player’s disc-tray. Time to settle them all down for a few board games.

But why punish them with complex mental arithmetic when adding up the scores? Sure, you could be generous and give them a calculator to use, but you’d still need pen and paper to write it all down.

So whip out your iPhone and solve the problem by using the EZ Score app. You can keep track of everyone’s score very easily, even having a photo next to each child’s name. For 59 pence (or free for the Lite version that is limited to 3 players) you have become the cool dad with the iPhone who didn’t make his kids practice mathematics when they were supposed to be having fun. Dadgetastic.